Ever find yourself bewildered by your partner’s actions? You’re not alone. It can be puzzling to see them excel in their career but struggle with putting the milk back in the fridge, picking up after themselves, or being on time. Could ADHD be the reason?
According to the CDC, around 9.4% of children in the U.S. are diagnosed with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). While schools today are much more supportive of ADHD brains, helping kids thrive, many adults with ADHD didn’t have such advantages growing up. Instead, they often faced a school environment that misjudged their unique learning style, leaving them to feel like they were “bad students” or “lazy.” Without a system to help develop their executive function, they learned to manage their ADHD with their own coping mechanisms in a world tailored for neurotypical brains.
As adults, many people with ADHD find success in high-stimulation jobs like entrepreneurship, emergency services (police, firefighters, ER doctors), or creative professions. However, for partners, it can be hard to understand how someone can thrive at work but struggle with simple tasks at home. Brain scans reveal that while mundane tasks (like washing dishes or organizing) increase brain activity for neurotypical people, they actually decrease it in ADHD brains. Knowing this can help take away the feeling of being disregarded or undervalued when your ADHD partner doesn’t respond to requests that might seem straightforward to you.
As a couples therapist specializing in ADHD dynamics, I love helping ADHD and non-ADHD couples communicate more effectively. Typical relationship advice often falls short in these cases, so finding a therapist with experience in ADHD can be key to meaningful progress.
Effective Communication Techniques for Partners with ADHD
Here are three strategies to help you communicate more effectively with an ADHD partner:
- Praise, Praise, Praise. For ADHD brains, completing a mundane task like doing the dishes takes real effort. Make it a point to celebrate these small victories with big acknowledgment. Comments like “It’s about time” or “That wasn’t hard” minimize their effort, whereas genuine praise goes a long way in reinforcing their motivation.
- Defuse Defensiveness. If you notice your partner becoming defensive, try asking if they felt criticized or blamed. Let them know your intent wasn’t to come off that way. ADHD brains often perceive blame more readily, so this awareness can help diffuse tension and prevent conflicts.
- Appreciate Each Brain’s Unique Strengths. When discussing each other’s needs, recognize the positive qualities both of you bring. For example, someone who may be chronically late might also be exceptionally present and adaptable when plans change.
Tips for ADHD Partners to Improve Communication with Neurotypical Partners
ADHD partners can also take steps to bridge the communication gap:
- Confirm What You Heard. If you sense criticism, repeat back what you heard to check if you understood correctly. ADHD brains can misinterpret neutral statements as blame. For example, when a partner says, “We’re out of coffee,” it might feel like an accusation, but they could simply be stating a fact.
- Count to Three Before Jumping In. ADHD brains process information quickly, which can lead to interrupting or switching topics abruptly. Counting to three before responding gives your partner a chance to feel heard and creates space for them to contribute.
- Value the Little Things. Recognize and show gratitude for the ways your partner keeps the relationship organized, like planning or handling small details. Their ability to take care of these tasks can free up more time for you to enjoy each other.
If your relationship faces these challenges, consider working with a couples counselor who specializes in ADHD. Rewiring relationship patterns takes time and effort, and these tips, while helpful, can be challenging to implement without guidance.
